Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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