Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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