The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
