Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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