I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
