just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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