Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
