Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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