I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
