Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize