Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
