Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We named our party play list daddy issues
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
