Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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