Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
