Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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