Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize