There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
