The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I didn't notice because vodka
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
