On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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