I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
