I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
