the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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