I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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