Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
