what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
