Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
