You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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