I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
