Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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