I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
