Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
