when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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