So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
