My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
