So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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