well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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