Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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