I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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