New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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