Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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