Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
