Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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