I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
