please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
