I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
false alarm, still single
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
