Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
