So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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