i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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