i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
