the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
