they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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