I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
