It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
