Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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