He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
