Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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