she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
