You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
