i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
