Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize