i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
