OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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