I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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