Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
tell me about the eggs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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